Duct Tape on a Roll - March 2007 edition


		The "BADGE of HONOR" If you've sent us something that we have used on our site, grab the graphic above and post it on your site and in your emails. Submissions Please If you have a joke or story that you would like to submit for inclusion in our next newsletter, email it to us. Just make sure it's suitable for all ages (we don't publish anything off-color). Thanks again! Go Directly to: Our web site is getting massive. So we will always include this handy little pull-down menu in our newsletter and on our main page. Go discover the world's most massive online tribute to duct tape: Quote of the Month: "You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.” - Anne Lamott Soapbox presents Tim's personal opinions about issues that he feels are of importance. It has challenging stuff to think about during your duct taping projects. If you want a dose of stuff to think about click here. If you don't want to, that's okay. Tape on! Here is a brief intro to what's in this month's SOAPBOX: Gore gets stripped of Oscar... From Andy Borowitz, who claims to be the Winner Of The First-Ever National Press Club Award For Humor, comes this Onion-esque report straight out of "Hollyweird". An appropriate commentary on the idiocy of it all... click here Music to Duct Tape by... We have a collection of Duct Tape Music of our own... collected from talented musicians around the world. This month, for your music to duct tape by, we invite you to click here and turn up your speakers. We included a duct tape song by The Bobcats - given to us by David Christopher Patmore at a recent show in Kansas City, MO. Thanks, Dave! Are you on our e-mail list? Click here - to subscribe. Then MAKE SURE you respond to the verification email that comes your way after you subscribe to make sure your email is activated in the system. Remember, we never sell or share our list with anyone and you can easily unsubscribe at any time. - Jim and Tim Frankly, we think he's great! Frank Caliendo - We think Frank is the best impressionist/comedian to come along in a long time. Perhaps you've seen his work on MadTV. Now you can watch a sampling of some of Frank'swork on YouTube. Eduational Corner An educational video about the effects of drugs and alcohol on wood spiders: click here. Reminder to start working on your Stuck at Prom entry! The Duck® brand duct tape Stuck at Prom® Scholarship Contest once again challenges high school students to create and accessorize their prom formalwear with America's favorite fix-all - duct tape. And, for the first time, this year it's the public's choice as to who's got the hottest fashions. Online public voting will decide the winning couple from the top 10 finalists. The couple winning the first place title will recieve a $6000 cash scholarship for college! So, get your plans drawn up, go out and stock up on any or all of Duck® brand's 20 colors and patterns of duct tape and get busy creating YOUR winning prom outfit. The contest will start on March 5th, 2007 Complete information is online at StuckAtProm.com and we will have more information in the March newsletter as well. *For inspiration, visit our duct tape prom fashion gallery.*
	*March 2007 - comes in like a lion...*
*Duct Tape Guys burried in snow!* We're up to our necks in snow - okay, not as much as our friends in Buffalo, NY, had - but never the less - over 16 inches with another 12+ on the way gives us something to gripe about. How much duct tape do we have to waste replacing the broken sheer pins on our snow blower augers?! Jim spent the past two days duct taping carefully around his windward window frames to keep the blizzard from filling his family room with a snow drift. Tim duct taped his seldom-used dress pants into snow pants preparing for his fifth trip to snowblow the driveway... Ah, winter in Wisconsin! Their ain't nothin' like it. Thankfully, by the end of the month we will be in San Mateo, California doing our annual Orchard Supply Hardware How-To Fair appearance. Check our calendar for all of our appearance dates and venues. NASA duct tape use in the news (again) NASA has a detailed set of written procedures for dealing with a suicidal or psychotic astronaut in space. The documents say the astronaut's crewmates should bind his wrists and ankles with duct tape, tie him down with a bungee cord and inject him with tranquilizers if necessary. - based on an Associated Press report - 2/23/07 (see our NASA page for this and other NASA uses of Duct Tape) This newsletter is sponsored in part by Duck brand Duct Tape - Home of The Original Duck Tape Club. Dale's Discoveries (A monthly feature that will be showcasing weird stuff that our friend Dale comes up with.) Visit Dale's TallToysTroupe site I heard an ad for a certain mattress that said it was the only mattress recognized by NASA. So what does this mean? If I were to go to NASA and show them another type of mattress, would they not know what it was? I don't know about you, but that doesn't really instill a lot of confidence in me. These people are putting people into space, you would think they know what a mattress is! There is a company that is designing a robotic car that will navigate highways and traffic and obey all laws and speed limits with no human on board. Now I am not sure about the rest of the country, but if that car is driving around the New York area obeying all the laws and speed limits, then I think they will definitely need to program the robot driver to be able to give people the finger. There is an internet dating service that advertises, "We only match you with singles that have been pre-screened for compatibility across 29 dimensions". 29 dimensions?! The String Theory of physics only comes up with 11 dimensions. What are they matching you with? Aliens? I don't know about you, but I have a hard enough time understanding women from this dimension. Dale's Website Discovery of the Month In this column, I have always tried to steer clear of anything that had to do with religion or politics. I felt that that policy was the safest and least offensive way to go. Well, this month I have decided to make an exception. I have found a religious denomination that, while I would not necessarily want people to hang their hopes of eternal salvation on, I feel that it at least deserves investigation. There is no mandatory church attendance, they don't have a lot of rules and you don't have to send them money for magical prayer rugs. While this website is relatively new, this philosophy has been around for many years. It really ties things together, man. http://www.dudeism.com Word Play There is something unusual about these words.. See if you can figure it out. The answer is below...but don't peek until you have given it a good shot! Assess, Banana, Dresser, Grammar, Potato, Revive, Uneven, Voodoo OK, see if you can figure out what these words have in common........ Are you peeking or have you already given up? Answer: In all of the listed words, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? Cookin' with Duct Tape: Back in the kitchen after a little mid-winter break. This time we are offering another eat-until-you're-sick-good recipe from Tim's mom. Thanks to growing up with Dot's incredible cusine, Tim now has a propensity towards swelling to massive proportions. click here for the recipe for Pollo Versatile (a fancy name for versatile chicken.) You asked for it... You asked for it, you got it (or perhaps you didn't ask for it, and/or by the time you finish watching this collection of videos, you'd wish you hadn't)... "Redneck Amusement Park" click here for admission This is a work in progress presented by Parodyville.com - collector of all things humorous on the web. Warning - there is some blood and rampant stupidity in this selection of videos.



			Meet us at The Duct Tape Diner. We’ve had some great stories over the counter at the Duct Tape Diner recently. If you haven’t yet read the Diner contributions, stop by! This is where we invite our visitors to share their own duct tape stories. Just like these people did:
		Leeza does duct tape A visit to Northwest Airline's World Club gave us a great duct tape sighting. Tim spotted a wad of duct taped phone books behind the rather tall reception desk. When he asked what that was, the hostess on duty said, "Oh, that's Leeza's. She's short and needs it to see the customers when she's standing behind the desk." Our next visit to the club gave us a personal introduction to the World Club Duct Tape Queen herself, Leeza. Here's Leeza with her phonebook stepstool and her locker key box - adorned and strengthened with crome Duck® brand duct tape. We think the World Clubs should enllist Leeza as their interior decorator! Heck, she'd save them big bucks over those trendy decorators that they've been using, and since Northwest is the preferred airlines of The Duct Tape Guys, we'd feel more at home in their clubs with duct tape decor! (left) Leeza's locker key holder. Smelly Fridge Fix My family recently pulled together for many weekends to prepare my Mother's house for sale. In her garage she has a spare refrigerator to store frozen or large items that don't need immediate attention. As we got around to sorting through and trashing the piles of junk stored in the garage (which required a roll off dumpster), I mistakenly opened the refrigerator door and was almost knocked down by a forgotten open casserole dish. Instead of dealing with the science experiment on the spot, my Mother in her infinite wisdom suggested that we duct tape the side by side handles together so an overly nosey real estate agent or buyer wouldn't discover the mystery dish and run for the nearest exit. Apparently it worked because my Mother just accepted an offer on her house. Of course, we will have the fridge and it's contents removed before the new owners take occupancy. - Brad B., Marietta, GA Dog toy surgery Charles T.'s dog's little dog toy had "surgery" and recovered to chewable condition with a duct tape helmet, diaper, armband. Plastic chair protector We have these old white chairs. They have the little plastic protectors on the bottom, and one day I noticed that one of the plastic protectors were gone! I quickly ran to the duct tape, and then to the recycling to get a plastic water bottle cap and then duct taped the cap onto the end of the chair! Duct tape saved the day (and our floors)! - Brian R. Strap Stay I have come up with a solution that everywoman has encountered in her life one time or other. The problem: The Bra strap slipping down over the shoulder. The solution: Put the strap back in place where it should be. Then put a small strip of duct tape over the strap and attach to your shoulder. It will stay in place all day. P.S. It doesn't hurt your skin when you remove the duct tape. - Rosalee in Ohio

	Hypnotist at the Senior Center It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Crap!" exclaimed the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the senior center. Designer Dogs There was some recent news about a puppy mill that was making a fortune on designer dogs. I've been giving it some thought, and I think I've got some potential money making ideas... Collie + Lhasa Apso Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot Pointer + Setter Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Malamute + Pointer Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists Newfoundland + Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors Terrier + Bulldog Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes Bloodhound + Labrador Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly Collie + Malamute Commute, a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that's true to the end Bull Terrier + Shitzu Bull..... Oh, never mind Murphy's Hat Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat." The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right ?" Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat." Click here to listen to the Duct Tape Guys early radio bits, *"Duct Tape Talk".*


		Well, that’s it for this issue of "Duct Tape on a Roll" Remember that you can share this FREE duct tape and humor newsletter with your friends. Just send them this address: http://www.ducttapeguys.com/list so they can SUBSCRIBE to our email notification list. If you want OFF of our email list at any time, that’s fine with us, we don’t want to bother anyone with stuff they don't want. Just click the list link above and follow the unsubscribe instructions - *don't send us an email asking us to remove you* - we have no control over the list - you must click the link above or on your email notification to unsubscribe. Thanks. May the Tape be with you! - Jim and Tim - The Duct Tape Guys Click here for archived *On a Roll* Newsletters: 1/02, 2/02, 3/02, 03/19/02, 4/02, 5/02, 6/02, 7/02, 08/02, 09/02. 10/02, 11/02, 12/02, 01/03, 02/03, 03/03, 4/03, 05/03. 06/03 07/03 8/03 9/03 10/03 11/03, 12/03, 1/04, 2/04, 3/04, 4/04, 5/04, 6/04, 7/04, 8/04, 9/04, 10/04, election issue, 11/04, 12/04, 01/05, 2/05, 3/05, 4/05, 5/05, 06/05, 7/05, 08/05, 09/05, 10/05, 11/05, 12/05, 01/06, 2/06, 3/06, 4/06, 5/06, 6/06, 7/06, 8/06, 9/06,10/06,11/06, 12/06, 1/07, 2/07,
Tim (left), Jim (other left).