The "BADGE of HONOR" If you've sent us something that we have used on our site, grab the graphic above and post it on your site and in your emails.
Submissions Please
If you have a joke or story that you would like to submit for inclusion in our next newsletter, email it to us. Just make sure it's suitable for all ages (we don't publish anything off-color). Thanks again!
Quotes of the month:
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." - Steven Seagal

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." - Roseanne

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." - Johnny Carson

Thanks to Liggett • Stashower Public Relations for some of our quotes and trivia.

Soapbox presents Tim's personal opinions about serious issues that he feels are of importance.
It has been moved to a different page so those who would rather not have a dose of serious matters can avoid it. If you're concerned with the state of our nation, the future we are giving our kids, issues of peace, justice and faith/values in action, and would like to be exposed to more ideas than those presented by our corporate media, click here. If you don't want to, that's okay. Tape on!

Social Security Reform?
"Social Security is like a car with a flat tire. We need to fix the flat tire, but we don't need to replace the car." - Peter Orzag, Brookings Institute
Click here for Tim's thoughts on Social Security Reform and collateral back-up information

Trivia: Winning by a Nose In 2003, the most popular cosmetic surgery proceedure for men was nose-reshaping, with 129,774 nose jobs performed.

History's Shortest War: on August 27th, 1896, three British warships opened fire on Aznzibar to quell a rebellion. A palace, unlawfully occupied by a rebel, was destroyed and the usurper unseated. It became hiistory's shortest war: 45 minutes. Too bad the Bush administration couldn't have taken a lesson from this - we might have gotten rid of Sadaam and been out in time for dinner.

Headline: Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges. You mean there's a tape stronger than duct tape?!" - thanks to Wanda
Cookin' with Duct Tape:
FETA CHEESE DIP
This month we feature Marina's (Tim's sister-in-law) recipe for a feta cheese dip that she guarantees your guests will rave about. This is a sure-bet for summer entertaining:
check out the recipe by clicking here

Video Sale:
Order by mail and help us get rid of our remaining video stock before we convert to DVD. We'll make it worth your while with incredibly LOW prices (less than cost). Click the image below for details.

Not on our Emailing List? Subscribe Now! Click here to get on the new list now! If you are getting our emails and don't want to, you need to click on the link above and follow the remove instructions (there is no way that we can remove your email for you).

New Bumper Sticker!
Thanks to an annoymous fan who provided us with the idea for this cool new bumper sticker (available at the Duct Tape Pro Shop now):

Duct Tape Festival!
The Avon Heritage Duct Tape Festival returns for a second time, showcasing duct tape in all forms including art, sculptures, fashion and more. It will be a celebration of duct tape, its enthusiasts, and its wacky and fun uses. The festival also honors the history and heritage of the city that is proclaimed the "Duct Tape Capital" of the world, home of Duck® brand duct tape, Avon, Ohio. Rides, games and food will be part of the celebration, along with a car show, steak fry and a duct tape parade!

And don’t miss a minute of the entertainment! Check out our schedule of events for a full list of activities, events and musical and entertainment by Jim and Tim, the Duct Tape Guys throughout the weekend. There’s something for everybody at this festival! click here for web site

The festival will take place Father's Day Weekend, June 17-19, 2005 in Avon, Ohio.

2005 Dates and Times:
June 17 4:00 pm – 11:00 pm
June 18 10:00 am –11:00 pm
June 19 12:00 pm – 8:00 pm

How to get there: Avon is located off of Interstate 90, just 20 minutes west of Downtown Cleveland, Ohio.

June 2005


Project Ductstream Update
Progress report. Upon our scrutinizing this trailer, we discovered it was SO trashed that it would have taken several days of cleaning before duct tape would even stick to the thing. And the television show that was going to feature its transformation crapped out on the idea (apparently, we are a bit too edgy for HGTV), so we decided to pass on the conversion (for now). Stay tuned, the thing is still in storage in the Duck Tape Company's parking lot (well hidden) and may see the salvation that duct tape brings at some future date.

Practical Joke du Jour (du Month)
Fake a scratch on someone's shiny new car:
Take a roll of duct tape and pull out one of the threads running along the edge of the roll. The thread is covered with sticky goo that will cause the thread to adhere (without damage) to a car. Sit back and watch as the owner looks with horror on the long scratch on their precious baby.
. Want more joke ideas? Click to PracticalJokeBook.com

Draw the Duct Tape Guys We are putting out the call to artists of all ages to send us your best artistic interpretation of the Duct Tape Guys. You will find a host of photos of us throughout the site. Click here for more information and instructions as to how to submit your masterpiece. We will pick the best of the lot at the end of the year and award your efforts with a duct tape prize package.

Extended Deadline for Duct Tape Dad Stories We're gonna extend the deadline for our Dad Stories contest to June 30th. So, this Father's Day - when you are together with the family, have dad share some of his favorite uses of duct tape with you. Write down the best story and email it to us. We will post the prime submissions and award three best entries with a set of duct tape books to give dad. The Winners will be posted in our JULY 2005 newsletter. Click here for more information. HURRY! Deadline is June 30th!

Dale's Discoveries
(A monthly feature that will be showcasing weird stuff that our friend Dale comes up with.)

We were recently at the funeral of my wife's grandmother. All of my lovely wife's family was there. Her grandmother had been cremated and the box containing her ashes was on the ground where it would soon be buried. All the children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren came up and put flowers on the grave. We thought we had explained things adequately to our children beforehand about what was going on. It wasn't until we were leaving that our four and a half year old son made
us realize that perhaps we had not. He was looking over at the grave site and said "Mommy, how big WAS your Grandmother?".

On another channel of thought:
My neighbor told me that he just got cable - prior to which he had only weak reception via an antenna. He just now discovered that Mr. Rogers only had one head.

Summer Book Deal
This offer has been so popular, we decided to run it another couple of months. Visit the Duct Tape Pro Shop and pick up our second book and the hard to find WD-40 Book (autographed of course) - retail $13.95 - yours for just $10!

Remember that your Father's Day book and video orders must be placed by June 13th to ensure delivery in time for Father's Day!

What would happen if all of the duct tape in the world suddenly disappeared?
We often pondered no duct tape (most often in our worst nightmares). Then, we thought that if someone wanted to invent the most incredible weapon in the world, it would be a device that dissolves duct tape glue. If you dare, you can click here to get a glimpse of what might happen if this unthinkable horror would happen.

Changes to Mass Anticipated Finally - having absolutely nothing to do with duct tape, this thought (with a tip of the hat to The Wittenburg Door for the concept). Come to think of it, duct tape is probably used to keep the Pope's hat on...


Meet us at The Diner. We’ve had some great stories over the counter at the Duct Tape Diner recently. If you haven’t yet read the Diner contributions, stop by! This is where we invite our visitors to share their own duct tape stories.

Just like these people did:


Locker Privacy Michael S. of Texas wanted some privacy for his locker. Duct tape to the rescue. Why Michael rated the jumbo-sized locker, we haven't a clue (nor do we know what's inside of it, thanks to duct tape).

Window Caulk on a Roll Mitch of Whittier, California, used duct tape to fix his window and says that it has stood up to all kinds of weather without a leak. We think he ought to keep going and do the entire window - he'd get rid of that nasty wood rot and never have to paint again. Mitch's wife, Sarah, must be sooo proud!

Shirt of the Month:
No Gut, No Duct Tape, NO GLORY. The perfect gift for Dad or Grandpa this Father's Day - let him show off that big Dad Belly with pride at the same time he proclaims his love for duct tape with this humorous shirt - available in a wide variety of styles. Dad has no gut? We have a TON of other shirts that dad will love, too. Click to the Duct Tape Pro Shop's apparel store. These make GREAT GIFTS!

Got an idea for a shirt? Look through our apparel offerings. If you don't see your idea, and we haven't used it in the past, we just might use it. If we produce it, we will send you a free shirt. (email your idea to tim@ducttapeguys.com - put "shirt idea" in the subject line)
Be Creative!
Want to be more creative? Use the tried and true methods that have fueled the Duct Tape Guys for the past ten years with the Duct Tape Guys' FREE brainstorming curriculum. It makes a great teaching tool. We've posted it here for use by teachers, students... heck, anyone can use it!
Your caption?

Click to enter our photo caption contest! Click the link to see our previous monthly caption contest winners, too!

Musical Jeers:

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.

What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.

RED SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
Product Names that Didn't Translate Well
Here's a look at how some of our advertising slogans translate into foreign languages:

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

When Vicks first introduced its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which makes "Vicks" in German the phonetic equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "doesn't go" in Spanish.

In French "Gerber" means "to puke" and belongs to the same language level. Not a very good advertisment!

This one may actually sell product, depending on how much you like your relatives: When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Come alive, you're in the Pepsi generation" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite the wax tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness in the mouth."

Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

Click here to see Tim's latest Duct Tape Pros cartoons.
If you spot duct tape - snap a photo and send it to us.
We'll add it to our Duct Tape Sightings pages. Make sure you tell us where the shot was taken!
Well, that’s it for this issue of "Duct Tape on a Roll" Remember that you can share this FREE duct tape and humor newsletter with your friends. Just send them this address: http://www.ducttapeguys.com/list so they can SUBSCRIBE to our email notification list.

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May the Tape be with you!
- Jim and Tim - The Duct Tape Guys

Click here for archived On a Roll Newsletters: 1/02, 2/02, 3/02, 03/19/02, 4/02, 5/02, 6/02, 7/02, 08/02, 09/02. 10/02, 11/02, 12/02, 01/03, 02/03, 03/03, 4/03, 05/03. 06/03 07/03 8/03 9/03 10/03 11/03, 12/03, 1/04, 2/04, 3/04, 4/04, 5/04, 6/04, 7/04, 8/04, 9/04, 10/04, election issue, 11/04, 12/04, 01/05, 2/05, 3/05, 4/05, 5/05,
Tim (left), Jim (other left).