The "BADGE of HONOR" If you've sent us something that we have used on our site, grab the graphic above and post it on your site and in your emails.
Submissions Please
If you have a joke or story that you would like to submit for inclusion in our next newsletter, email it to us. Just make sure it's suitable for all ages (we don't publish anything off-color). Thanks again!
Quotes of the month:
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits." - Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal.

"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech." - Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands.

Soapbox presents Tim's personal opinions about serious issues that he feels are of importance.
It has been moved to a different page so those who would rather not have a dose of serious matters can avoid it. If you're concerned with the state of our nation, the future we are giving our kids, issues of peace, justice and faith/values in action, and would like to be exposed to more ideas than those presented by our corporate media, click here. If you don't want to, that's okay. Tape on!

Who will speak up for me? Click here to read Tim's thoughts on the matter.

Trivia: Each year people buy enough dDuck® brand duct tape to cover the entire surface of the Sears Tower in Chicago 50.8 times. That's enough tape to stretch to the moon 1.2 times. Perhaps if we made a duct tape tether line from the earth to the moon or to the space station, we could just shimey up the line and forget the need for shuttles to bring us to the moon and/or the space station...
Cookin' with Duct Tape:

Tim grew up enjoying these fun little puffed up muffins. Hot from the oven and filled with melted butter and a glob of strawberry preserves. But you can do so much more with them.
click to our "Cookin's with Duct Tape" page

Duct Tape Dad Stories
Keep sending us your duct tape dad stories! Click here to submit your stories. We will post the best at the end of the year.

Not on our Emailing List? Subscribe Now! Click here to get on the new list now! If you are getting our emails and don't want to, you need to click on the link above and follow the remove instructions (there is no way that we can remove your email for you).

Duct Tape Post Cards!
Get a set of five Duct Tape Guy postcards. Send $1 to cover return postage and handling to:
Duct Tape Guy Postcards
732 Memorial Drive, Suite 200
Sturgeon Bay, WI 54235
(remember to include your return address).
You can order for others, too. Just include $1 for each separate address.

GEAR UP NOW for Halloween!
We nabbed a bunch of our Halloween Books for sale during our fall Halloween Media Tour. Because we purchased so many, we got a great deal. So, we're passing along the savings to you. Pick up our full color Original Duct Tape Halloween Book (autographed of course) - retail $9.95 - for just $7! - To get this special price you must click the SPECIAL HALLOWEEN DEAL link on the DEALS page.

September 2005

Before we get into the September Duct Tape on a Roll newsletter, please consider clicking the link above to make a donation to the American Red Cross - it's the best way that we can help with the tragic devastation of Hurricane Katrina.

"It's the seventh book in our Trilogy" - The Duct Tape Guys

Stump the Duct Tape Guys is in stores now (and in the Duct Tape Pro Shop) ready to add to your Duct Tape Library. Andrews McMeel Publishers stepped up to bat and brought this 228-page volume to life.

Jim and Tim have put on their duct tape thinking caps and come up with both practical and practically impossible ways that duct tape can solve problems from broken toasters to broken hearts. Based on the most popular section of their web site, "Stump the Duct Tape Guys" is comprised of real questions from real people. Sure, some of these real people are as wacky as the Duct Tape Guys; never the less, the questions and answers in Stump provide a ridiculously fun read.

Here's are a couple of examples:

I'm in science class and I just threw a beaker of sulfuric acid at the door and made a big hole in the door. If I try to put duct tape on it the duct tape will just melt. What should I do?

Quick! Sit in a chair and wrap duct tape around your feet. Then put a strip over your mouth and eyes. Finally, put your hands behind the chair and wrap the tape around your wrists. When the teacher returns to the classroom and finds you, explain that some vandals overpowered you while doing your lab assignment. This should get you off the hook for the damage to the room. Have your teacher clean up the acid mess – they’re trained to do that. – DTG

I've got a hot date this weekend and want to impress her, How could I use duct tape to my advantage but not let it steal my spotlight?

Duct tape the entire inside of your car. Make silvery vinyl seats, silver dash board, woven silver headliner, duct tape roll can holders on the dash... take it to the limit. If your “Duct Tape Limo” handiwork doesn’t impress her that you are a quality, caring guy, dump her and find a gal that appreciates duct tape as much as you do. Compatibility in relationships is paramount to life-long happiness. – DTG

Get the idea? It's more of the creative (yet breathtakingly stupid) fun that you've come to expect from the Duct Tape Guys.

As for endorsements, perhaps that best one so far has come from Jim's wife, Kelly. "This book (as opposed to the other books in the Duct Tape Book series), I can actually sit down and read. It's more like a book."

So, after seven books, The Duct Tape Guys apparently now know how to write a book. What's next, a novel?

Grab a few copies for your holiday giving today and avoid the rush! Available online at the Duct Tape Pro Shop (autographed), or via Amazon or your local bookstore.

Practical Joke du Jour (du Month)
Flat Tire?
Take a two to three foot length of duct tape and place it sticky-side up in the street. When a car dives over it, it latches on to the tire and makes a hideous flapping sound. Annonymous
Want more joke ideas? Click to PracticalJokeBook.com

What a Trip! Trip Uhalt is a friend that we've made through our duct tape web site. He is a video producer for the Fox station (we'll forgive him for that) in Colorado Springs. Trip's humor has won him so many of our caption contests that we quit sending him prizes - we just promised to buy him a really nice lunch when we eventually go to Colorado Springs. We decided to give Trip his own page on our site. You can check out with a few of Trip's duct tape travel uses by clicking here.

Dale's Discoveries
(A monthly feature that will be showcasing weird stuff that our friend Dale comes up with.)

I thought I would pass along something I learned when we recently drove across the country with our family. After a long stretch in the car, it's good to let your children get out and run around. However, if you
are at a highway rest stop on the Ohio Turnpike, it is NOT a good idea to let your seven year old daughter do cartwheels in the "Pet Exercise Area".

It seems that, whenever a child is finished with it, there is always about a half an inch of milk left at the bottom of the glass. It doesn't matter how big the glass is or how much or how little you start with, there is always that same amount in the bottom. I was thinking that perhaps there is a market for glasses that have about a half inch high, milk colored false bottom. That way the child will think that there is still a half inch of milk left in the glass and finish the rest.

My daughter's school group was taking a field trip to one of the firehouses in our area. Besides seeing the fire trucks and all the equipment, the firemen spoke about fire safety. During the demonstration of a smoke detector the fireman set it off and asked the kids what it meant when they heard this sound. My daughter raised her hand and confidently answered "Dinner's ready". (True story.)


Meet us at The Diner. We’ve had some great stories over the counter at the Duct Tape Diner recently. If you haven’t yet read the Diner contributions, stop by! This is where we invite our visitors to share their own duct tape stories.

Just like these people did:


Funky Tire? Duct Tape! Ray was inflating the tire on his utility cart when he heard, "RRIIIPPP!" The results were a bulging inner tube which would have ruptured with the first turn of the wheel. Duct tape to the rescue. After thoroughly wrapping the ripped area of the tire, the cart was ready to put back into service. Nice tapin', Ray!

Sports Bra on a Roll I have always been EXTREMELY athletic, and found puberty to be very upsetting when I started to get boobs. While most women desire to have bigger boobs, I would KILL to be completely flat-chested. Wearing a bra was such a hindrence because, (no matter how comfortable of a bra I could find), my shoulder movement was still restricted to some degree. I did many sports - competitive horseback riding, basketball, competitive running, racketball, and biking to name just a few. Well, after about a month of wearing a bra, I was sick and tired of having my shoulder movement restricted and my athletic performance effected. So - you guessed it - I resorted to the 8th wonder of the world - duct tape! I wrapped my boobs and it was like magic!!! It only took 1-2 weeks to perfect a "wrapping" style that gave me the support I needed and the freedom of my arm/shoulder movement. Not only that, (other than the initial 1-2 weeks), I actually find it comfortble!!! Right now I am 24 years old and have been wearing duct tape since 7th grade. - annonymous but comfortable athlete

Glacial cooling kept at bay... Kathy M. of Mechanicsburg, PA was vacationing in Alaska. Their cottage door didn't seal correctly allowing the cool breezes off of the nearby glacier to cool their cottage beyond a comfortable level. To stay warm at night, she used duct tape to seal the door frame.

Tick Removal In the forest in the midwest, we often run into ticks. And, in the late summer you're prone to get seed ticks--these are newly hatched babies, smaller than a period a the end of a sentence. When you get them, you usually get thousands, which were hanging in a clump a the end of a blade of grass and they start as a black spot that spreads to brown to thousands of individual dots. Water is NO HELP in getting the crawlers off, but if you wrap duct tape around your hand sticky side out, you can just pat them off! (Sand also works, if you're dumb enough to find yourself without duct tape). -Adam

Shirt of the Month:
Enough Said A simple duct tape strip replaces the need for clever slogans and artsy graphics on this duct tape t-shirt. As any Duct Tape Pro will tell you, duct tape does it all and says it all. Check out all of our designs at our Duct Tape Pro Shop.

Got an idea for a shirt? Look through our apparel offerings. If you don't see your idea, and we haven't used it in the past, we just might use it. If we produce it, we will send you a free shirt. (email your idea to tim@ducttapeguys.com - put "shirt idea" in the subject line)

Be Creative!
Want to be more creative? Use the tried and true methods that have fueled the Duct Tape Guys for the past ten years with the Duct Tape Guys' FREE brainstorming curriculum. It makes a great teaching tool. We've posted it here for use by teachers, students... heck, anyone can use it!

Your caption? Click to enter our photo caption contest! Click the link to see our previous monthly caption contest winners, too!

IDIOT SIGHTINGS - "I see dumb people"

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer were being hit by cars" and he did not want them to cross there any more.

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS.

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

Wal-mart Application
Whether this is an actual job application that a 75-year old senior citizen submitted to a Wal-Mart in Arkansas or not, we think it's funny. And (rumor has it), they hired him because he was so funny.

NAME:
George Martin

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:  
Company's President or Vice President.  But seriously, whatever's available.  If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:  
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:  
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:  
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:  
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  
1:30-3:30 p.m.  Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of What?
 
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  
On the job - no!   On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  
Living in the bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....
7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  
Oh yes, absolutely.
Sites recommendations for your amusement:
Dog Judo - http://www.dogjudo.co.uk/

Big Ad - http://www.bigad.com.au/ Crank up the volume! It's safe (It's a very funny/impressive/clever beer ad from Australia.).
Click here to see Tim's Duct Tape Pros cartoons.
If you spot duct tape - snap a photo and send it to us. We'll add it to our Duct Tape Sightings pages. Make sure you tell us where the shot was taken!
Well, that’s it for this issue of "Duct Tape on a Roll" Remember that you can share this FREE duct tape and humor newsletter with your friends. Just send them this address: http://www.ducttapeguys.com/list so they can SUBSCRIBE to our email notification list.

If you want OFF of our email list at any time, that’s fine with us, we don’t want to bother anyone with stuff they don't want. Just click the list link above and follow the unsubscribe instructions - don't send us an email asking us to remove you - we have no control over the list - you must click the link above or on your email notification to unsubscribe. Thanks.

May the Tape be with you!
- Jim and Tim - The Duct Tape Guys

Click here for archived On a Roll Newsletters: 1/02, 2/02, 3/02, 03/19/02, 4/02, 5/02, 6/02, 7/02, 08/02, 09/02. 10/02, 11/02, 12/02, 01/03, 02/03, 03/03, 4/03, 05/03. 06/03 07/03 8/03 9/03 10/03 11/03, 12/03, 1/04, 2/04, 3/04, 4/04, 5/04, 6/04, 7/04, 8/04, 9/04, 10/04, election issue, 11/04, 12/04, 01/05, 2/05, 3/05, 4/05, 5/05, 06/05, 7/05, 08/05,
Tim (left), Jim (other left).